The Most Awkward Personal Rant =/

(Ugh, I debated deleting this whole thing, but I'm not!)
This is partially about writing, partially about silence, partially about discouragement, and probably TMI.
  
I got thinking today thanks to my lovely American Literature professor who is actually the most horridly cynical human being I've ever met. He makes comments all the time about how we're more or less not smart because we're attending a "community college," how being in class is a waste of our time, how he even hates teaching us. I wrote an essay and got accused of plagarism because there was no way those words and thoughts could've possibly come out of my own head. Ouch. That bugged me because the most reliable thing I've had in my life is my head; my thoughts, my ideas, my intelligence, and writing is the clearest way I've ever found to express everything and anything inside me. It's something I'd grown proud of. And for him to assume and tell me that these ideas/writing were not my own just really invalidated my brain for a bit lol.

It eats at me only because I've been branded a lot as a "quiet kid" (I wasn't when I was much younger and I'm really not anymore, but back when it counted in school, I was quiet in many public situations), so writing was the only way I felt I could be heard. If you were or are quiet, you understand that one of the worst things someone can ever say to you is, "Oh gosh, you're so quiet" or "Wow did you just speak?! She actually just spoke." Even if they intend it harmlessly, the more people tell you that you're quiet, and the more they make a big deal about it when you actually talk, the more you feel like you CAN'T or SHOULDN'T speak. It's like, if you know people expect it of you, than it becomes ingrained in your brain that you can't change it. Luckily I'm out of high school because absolutely hated high school. No I will never miss it, I don't think xD

When I was little I wasn't too quiet, and I would go as far as to phsyically fight with other kids (mostly boys actually lol), but somewhere down the line I was pushed into being a quiet person, I'm not even sure how it happened. People said I was "shy" and I wanted to tell them "no, I'm really not shy, that's not who I am," but of course, I was completely discouraged from actually speaking out. Teachers would point it out, and peers would point it out, and what could I do? I didn't like when my mom was around at school functions or something, because I didn't want her see what kind of person I became in that public setting. Of course she thought I was ashamed of her, when really it was the other way around; I was ashamed of myself. But there's no way I can really make her understand, I've tried. There are other certain things I can't say to her (it's a bit too complicated to explain here) or to anyone else. It's become very hard for me to share much of anything to anyone, especially if it's personal and related to my emotions. The point is, I live in silence on a lot of different levels, and that's why I like to write, because it's the clearest voice I have.

I just hate being discouraged in that sneaky way, especially by a professor. I'm trying to transfer to a university, I want to study abroad, I'm putting in effort to TRY to do things even if it's all futile, I don't want world-weary old men dumping their baggage on me, thank you very much. I know I have no major or career plans, but I WANT to have a life. I'm a dreamer, which I've always considered a bad thing, and I'm only now realising what the cost has been. I've spent a lot of time running in the other direction from the real world because I've never fit in (I'm very good at pretending I fit in though lol), but I'm trying to turn my "dreamer" sensibilities into something more productive.

Also I wanted to add: What's just as dangerous as being blatantly insulted or pushed to the ground is those subtle words that come from people's mouths, or those slight actions or looks that seem to speak volumes in their silence. These things are fatal because they do not attack, but they infest slowly and gradually, and they will settle secretly inside of you with such ease that you will hardly notice they are there until they are a part of you; until they have become the thoughts in your own head, your very own beliefs about yourself.
You have to trust yourself, but how can you trust yourself when your very thoughts are shaped by the judgement of others, and the fears of the potential judgement of others? How can you enjoy the extent of your own life if you are too self-consciousness or ashamed that you cannot even accept yourself? I don't really have all the answers, but I'm laying it all out there to try and teach myself and maybe help you, or give you some "food for thought," as the saying goes.

Sorry for the enormous rant that is oddly personal. This is the type of thing I'd normally tuck away in a little Word document, but I'm trying to take steps out of my bad habits lol. And here, someone somewhere will read it but it still promises a sort of privacy. Also, if you have anything you feel comfortable sharing here I really don't mind. I know I'm not alone if what I might feel or think. And, never be embarassed to speak. Just, don't. Don't do that to yourself, don't let other people do it to you.